Funny Gambling One Liners
Funny Jokes
A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a knockout hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker, 'How much?'
Hooker replies, 'It starts at $500 for a hand-job.'
Guy says, '$500 dollars! For a hand-job? No hand-job is worth that kind of money!'
The hooker says, 'Do you see that Denny's on the corner?'
'Yes.'
'Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?'
'Yes.'
'And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?'
'Yes.'
'Well,' says the hooker, smiling invitingly, 'I own those. And, I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth $500.'
Guy says, 'What the hell? I'll give it a try.'
They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime worth every bit of $500. He is so amazed, he more...1comments (0)It's 8:00 AM at a gambling casino. There are two guys waiting at the dice table for additional competition. A very attractive lady comes in and wants to bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. The other two agree.
She says, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm not wearing underwear.' With that she strips naked from the waste down. She then rolls the dice while yelling, 'Momma needs a new pair of pants! YES! I WIN!'
With that she picks up her money and clothes and quickly leaves. The other two just stare at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asks, 'What did she roll anyway?'
The other answers, 'I don't know. I thought you were watching the dice!'0comments (0)A businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round-trip ticket. If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home.
So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his driver's license number, his address, etc. but to no avail.
The cabbie said, 'If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the
hell out of my cab!' So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.
One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big.
Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well, who should he see more...0comments (0)The best high-priced call girl in the city
Hot 8 years agoA guy went to Las Vegas, and won big, really big, in one of the casinos.
When you win big in Vegas the casino will give you free things, like meals, show tickets, or rooms, this is all designed to keep you there so that you will lose what money you have won.
After winning fifty thousand dollars at the crap table, the casino decided to give the guy a night in the penthouse suite.
The guy went up to the room, opened the big double doors, and stepped into a three room suite.
The room is on a corner of the hotel and two walls are nothing but windows, with a fantastic view of the city. There's a wet bar in one corner, with a big screen T.V.
The guy dropped his bag of money in a chair and stood looking out the windows at the city.
He realized he was all alone and needed someone to share his good fortune.
He called the front desk and told the clerk to send up one of the best, high-priced call girls in the city.
Thirty minutes later there was a knock on the more...2comments (0)Vegas Facts - Cool facts about Las Vegas
Hot 8 years agoLas Vegas means 'the meadows' in Spanish.
In Nevada, there are more than 209,000 slot machines normally operating 24 hours a day, seven days a week.
The first neon sign appeared in Las Vegas in 1954 at the Boulder Club.
The bell is the oldest symbol still used on today's slot machines.
The average annual temperature in Las Vegas is 66 degrees.
It would take 288 years for one person to spend one night in every hotel room in Las Vegas.
Shrimp consumption in Las Vegas is more than 60,000 pounds a day. That's higher than the rest of the country combined and adds up to 22 million pounds per year.
The Stardust was the first hotel in Vegas to add a sports book to its casino.
Nickel slots on the Strip pay back anywhere from 86.9 percent to 92.8 percent of what they take in.
Las Vegas casinos never use dice with rounded corners.
It's estimated that every day Las Vegas casinos more...2comments (0)- Add a Useful Link
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A collection of short, funny jokes related to Gambling and Casinos!” Gambling, Casino Jokes - Short, Funny Jokes and One-Liners That Will Make You Laugh! Quick, Funny Jokes! Last night I got thrown out of a casino apparently I completely misunderstood the crap table. In Vegas they’ll bet on anything. One casino was ready to let me bet on whether I’d win or lose there. I’m going to the casino tonight. I hope I break even. I need the money. I had nothing to do, so just for a laugh I went to the casino.
Most of us aren't stand-up comedians, and we don't walk around with a full repertoire of funny jokes to share at parties. That's why it's helpful to have a good one-liner in your back pocket. A reliable joke never fails to break the ice during social interactions, and goodness knows some of us can use all the help we can get in those situations!
• Here is our collection of really funny one liners - sharp and humorous firepower quickly delivered in one sentence (sometimes two).
• On this page you will find funny lawyer jokes, old people jokes, job jokes, national jokes, truth jokes, vehicle jokes, funny fart jokes, question jokes and marriage jokes.
• Now, enough introduction, more action - ready ... set ... go!Really Funny One Line Jokes about Lawyers ~ Funny Lawyer Jokes
- Since a lawyer joined our nudist colony, he hasn't had a suit.
- You have the right to remain silent; Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
- A lawyer is someone who writes an eighty-page document and calls it a brief!
- What happens to a lawyer who jumps out of a plane at 35,000 feet without a parachute? Who cares?
- How can you tell when a lawyer is lying? His lips are moving.
- What's the difference between a lawyer and a liar? The pronunciation.
- It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer walking down the street with his hands in his own pockets.
- What do you call a lawyer with an I.Q. of 50? Senator.
Some Really Funny Jokes About Ageing ~ Old People Jokes
- I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.
- When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
- By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
- We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
- Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
- Do you know the four signs of growing old? 1. Forgetting names, 2. Forgetting faces, 3. Forgetting to zip up, 4. Forgetting to zip down.
- The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.
- Three old buddies are out for a walk. Old guy no. 1 says, 'Windy, isn't it?' Old guy no. 2 says, 'No, it's Thursday!' Old guy no. 3 says, 'So am I. Let's go get milk shake.'
Short Funny Jokes About Working ~ Job Jokes
- Pride, commitment, teamwork; Words we use to get you to work for free.
- If you're too lazy to start anything, you may get a reputation for patience.
- I pretend to work; They pretend to pay me.
- A procrastinator's work is never done.
- Crime doesn't pay ... Does that mean my job is a crime?
- In prison all expenses are paid by the taxpayer with no work required - At work you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
Really Funny Quick Jokes ~ National Jokes With International Format
- An Australian kiss is similar to a French kiss, but given down under.
- A Greek tampon is called 'Abzorba the Leak.'
- New York manufacturer of gentlemen's headwear is called 'Manhattan'.
- To get an Irishman to climb on the roof, tell him that the drinks are on the house.
- Gay Australian man will leave his wife and return to Sydney.
- If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.
- What happened to the Chinese man who walked into a wall with a boner? He smashed his nose.
- What do you call a Mexican guy who lost his car? Carlos!
Really Funny One Liners About Truths ~ Truth Jokes
- Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
- Consistency is the final refuge of the unimaginative
- Just remember ... if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
- The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
- There are three kinds of people: Those who can count and those who can't.
- Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
- If you have lost something, it will be in the last place you look for it.
- The quietest place in the world is the complaint department at a parachute packing plant.
Really Funny One Line Jokes About Vehicles ~ Vehicle Jokes
- A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
- A speech is like a bicycle wheel; the longer the spoke, the greater the tire.
- A rental car is the only true all-terrain vehicle.
- What do you call a Lada/Skoda at the top of a hill? A miracle.
- What do you call a song sung in an automobile? A cartoon.
- 'As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.'
Funny Short Jokes About Hot Air ~ Funny Fart Jokes
- What is the sharpest thing in the world? A Fart; It goes through your pants and doesn't even leave a hole.
- Flatulence is the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
- Gaseous clouds have been detected around Uranus.
- A skeleton was trying to fart in a crowded place but in the end it couldn't because it had no guts.
- Why fart and waste when you can burp and taste?
- Why do farts smell? For benefit of the deaf.
- What's the definition of bravery? A man with diarrhea chancing a fart!
Question Jokes
- How do I set a laser printer to stun?
- How many roads must a man travel down before he admits he is lost?
- I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges?
- You can't have everything, where would you put it?
- Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
- What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
- In a country of free speech why are there telephone bills?
- If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?
Really Funny Jokes About Marriage, Husbands and Wives ~ Marriage Jokes
- Marriage is a three ring circus: an engagement ring, a wedding ring, and suffering.
Funny Gambling One Liners Near Me
- Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.
- At a nudist wedding, you don't have to ask - you can see who the best man is.
- Seven days on a honeymoon make one hole weak.
- A husband was asked: Do you talk to wife after sex? His answer: Depends, if I can find a phone.
- The difference between wives and husbands is; Wives want to videotape the birth of their child - husbands want to videotape the conception.
- Husbands are like fires; they go out when left unattended.
- What's the difference between a penis and a bonus? Your wife will always blow your bonus!
- A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
- The best way to make your wife's panties wet every day is to do the laundry.
For more really funny one liners on at related topic see Very Short Jokes About the Differences Between Men and Women on the page Very Short Jokes or Best Short Jokes Ever about Marriage on the page Best Short Jokes Ever.
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